Random Shots: The Wars of the World

— R.F. Kampfer

"REGARDLESS OF HOW long they last, the new boundary lines have been drawn across the living bodies of nations that have been lacerated, bled white and exhausted. The Balkan states breathe mutual hatred, and hatred no less acute fills the fragments of nations caught within the separate states. Suspended owing to utter exhaustion, the war will be resumed as soon as fresh blood is flowing in the arteries." —Leon Trotsky, The Balkan Wars (1912)

It seems incredible that those Croats who are collaborating with Serbia by stabbing the Bosnians in the back would not realize that they will be the next victims.

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Cossacks have traditionally used whips, rather than spurs, to encourage their horses. The reason will immediately become obvious to anyone who tries to dance the kazaisky with spurs on.

Politics of Sex and Vice Versa

JESSE HELMS claims that heterosexuals don't practice sodomy. Talk about a long and wasted life.

We used to be so idealistic as to assume that gay and lesbian couples would automatically share the housework.

The activities of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen have been captured in a new comic book Can the British Royal Family be far behind?

Beverly LeHayes' group should really be called Christians With Attitudes.

The greatest threats to "traditional family values are not crime, unemployment and New Age morality, but the fast-food restaurant and the laundromat.

Kampfer's Kiddie Komer

WHEN ENTERTAINING TODDLERS, remember that everything is equally new to them. They are as easily impressed by construction equipment as they would be by dinosaurs.

Do take the kids to see "Jurassic Park." If that doesn't discourage them from watching Barney, nothing will.

Hey, kids: Giving Dad garden tools for Father's Day is a good way to get cut out of the will.

"HIS inner child should be taken out and spanked.—Anonymous

It is a canard that Kampfer will watch anything on videotape. He refuses to view any movie dealing with children, sports, or saving the farm. [Does that rule out "Field of Dreams?—ed]

Speaking of Sports

SOCCER FANS in this country used to be regarded as somewhat cosmopolitan and sophisticated. Now they are looked at like outlaw bikers.

If they try to impose the no-tobacco rule on the major leagues, we can hope to enjoy a long baseball strike.

Final Thoughts

POST-MODERNISM IN a nutshell: generalizations are false, except ours."

One pet store really sells visually challenged cave fish.

When you've been working overtime on the line, and are too exhausted to even think of anything trivial, that's when you realize what the important things in life really are: sleep and revenge.

September-October 1993, ATC 46